People want to believe that they have it all figured out, but those people are just idiots too scared to let their stupidity show. Me, I'm not one of them, I know I'm an idiot and I'm sure a lot of other people know too. I have absolutely nothing of importance figured out, from what I think is important anyway. At first I thought myself a liar, but I'm not. I'm conflicted. I'm simply struggling with myself and my feelings that I don't think I deserve to express.
I do not have a reason as to why I feel this way, I can only tell how I feel and I already know that no one will like it; and I wont be able to tell everything but I'll try to let enough out. There isn't really a beginning so this will be all jumbled and scrambled. Let's start off with what I don't deserve:
I do not deserve to be happy. I do not deserve to be loved or feel love. I do not deserve life. I do not deserve guidance. I do not deserve to desire. I do not deserve to cry. I do not deserve to care. I do not deserve to be cared for. I do not deserve to know. As I said before, I do not know the reasons for why I feel this way, but this is not only a feeling, these are my beliefs and a person cannot throw away their beliefs...
I know, I KNOW (don't ask me how I know) that I will be alone for the rest of my life; that is why I have decided not to pursue love but rather I have decided to try to change my destiny of having absolutely nothing, only to see if it can be done. Since I don't deserve to want anything, I'll force myself to want something and I'll try to work it into my brain that I have to keep working for it. "I want to be a photojournalist." Mainly because it seems like a simple enough job and it is something that I am okay at. I know that I cannot just do nothing for the rest of my life just because I don't deserve it. I suppose I am trying to change my beliefs, at least a little bit, I will pursue happiness but in a different matter. Rather than happiness with another, I will pursue happiness with myself through a career. Or maybe it's not happiness, but instead to be content. So I will force myself to beat myself, that is the only way. And that is me "changing the world". My world.
I wish I wasn't this way, but at the same time I like the way I am. That could possibly be because I'm just scared. If I'm not this way then I wont be me anymore(and that's definitely true). But the me now is a person that I highly hate. I'm disgusting, I'm a disappointment, I'm ugly, I'm purposeless, I'm stupid, I'm unworthy, and I'm undeserving... I'm not human. I don't believe I am. I believe I have even less worth than an insect, and even then insects have a TON of worth.
I am conflicted with myself all the time. I tend to go against my beliefs, because just for a moment I want to be like everyone else. I want to feel what they feel. I...want to be...happy... But I know that is just a dream that I don't deserve to dream up. So I end up crushing myself. But when I do go against my beliefs, I end up in delusions because I want it to work fast. The only things that work fast are drugs, and not even all the time. It's not fair. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate what I think, I hate what I believe, I hate that I can't change, I hate that I'm a scaredy-cat, I hate that everyone else has the potential to be happy and to be loved and to love, I hate that I hold people down, I hate that I can't help anyone, I hate wanting people to hate me, I hate wanting people to like me, I hate...hating things...
I don't plan on living long, I don't expect to live very long, I expect God to kill me off a couple years on...And I expect to go to hell and suffer even more...
[Not] The End
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