When the World splashes water at you, you Drown

People want to believe that they have it all figured out, but those people are just idiots too scared to let their stupidity show. Me, I'm not one of them, I know I'm an idiot and I'm sure a lot of other people know too. I have absolutely nothing of importance figured out, from what I think is important anyway. At first I thought myself a liar, but I'm not. I'm conflicted. I'm simply struggling with myself and my feelings that I don't think I deserve to express.
I do not have a reason as to why I feel this way, I can only tell how I feel and I already know that no one will like it; and I wont be able to tell everything but I'll try to let enough out. There isn't really a beginning so this will be all jumbled and scrambled. Let's start off with what I don't deserve:
I do not deserve to be happy. I do not deserve to be loved or feel love. I do not deserve life. I do not deserve guidance. I do not deserve to desire. I do not deserve to cry. I do not deserve to care. I do not deserve to be cared for. I do not deserve to know. As I said before, I do not know the reasons for why I feel this way, but this is not only a feeling, these are my beliefs and a person cannot throw away their beliefs...
I know, I KNOW (don't ask me how I know) that I will be alone for the rest of my life; that is why I have decided not to pursue love but rather I have decided to try to change my destiny of having absolutely nothing, only to see if it can be done. Since I don't deserve to want anything, I'll force myself to want something and I'll try to work it into my brain that I have to keep working for it. "I want to be a photojournalist." Mainly because it seems like a simple enough job and it is something that I am okay at. I know that I cannot just do nothing for the rest of my life just because I don't deserve it. I suppose I am trying to change my beliefs, at least a little bit, I will pursue happiness but in a different matter. Rather than happiness with another, I will pursue happiness with myself through a career. Or maybe it's not happiness, but instead to be content. So I will force myself to beat myself, that is the only way. And that is me "changing the world". My world.
I wish I wasn't this way, but at the same time I like the way I am. That could possibly be because I'm just scared. If I'm not this way then I wont be me anymore(and that's definitely true). But the me now is a person that I highly hate. I'm disgusting, I'm a disappointment, I'm ugly, I'm purposeless, I'm stupid, I'm unworthy, and I'm undeserving... I'm not human. I don't believe I am. I believe I have even less worth than an insect, and even then insects have a TON of worth.
I am conflicted with myself all the time. I tend to go against my beliefs, because just for a moment I want to be like everyone else. I want to feel what they feel. I...want to be...happy... But I know that is just a dream that I don't deserve to dream up. So I end up crushing myself. But when I do go against my beliefs, I end up in delusions because I want it to work fast. The only things that work fast are drugs, and not even all the time. It's not fair. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate what I think, I hate what I believe, I hate that I can't change, I hate that I'm a scaredy-cat, I hate that everyone else has the potential to be happy and to be loved and to love, I hate that I hold people down, I hate that I can't help anyone, I hate wanting people to hate me, I hate wanting people to like me, I hate...hating things...
I don't plan on living long, I don't expect to live very long, I expect God to kill me off a couple years on...And I expect to go to hell and suffer even more...
[Not] The End