A Breath of Fresh Air

I cried. I have cried for the past. I have cried for what happened in the past. I cried for something that happened in the past that I should've cried for when it happened. And now I feel..happy. I feel as though I've pricked my finger on heaven's gate and it feels good. You know how when you give blood, you feel all light but somehow that lightness feels a bit good? Well, I mean I wouldn't really know but I just imagine it would feel like that. That little moment in time when you don't feel weighed down and you're just there thinking about nothing in particular. I mean, you can't really think. You're short on energy, but that feels good nonetheless right? My eyes have been opened, my blood has come out of that little injury on my finger, and I'm flying right now. I'm not weighed down by a single thing. I'm just...there. Have you ever lay in the grass and just look up at the blue sky and watch the clouds change shape? It's kinda like that, I guess. When you look up at the sky it feels as if you're up in it or that you are the sky itself. That's how I feel right now, I feel vast, I feel as though I'm amazing, as amazing as the sky, enveloping everything without discrimination.

I wont feel like this forever though, which is why I'm making this note. To tell the truth, this is only a break. But it's an important break, it's a break that'll allow me to keep going. Right now, I'm thinking that I have to live, not live as in thrive or succeed but live as in to accept. I can't tell you what exactly I'm accepting, that would be cheating. =} This break allows me to keep living, this break gives me a reason to keep living. I'm still not sure what I'm living FOR, just like the rest of you, all I know is that I HAVE to keep living no matter what.

I'm just a human. I have problems, I hurt, I get scared, I hate, I dislike, I cry. But thats only half...no, that's only maybe a quarter of the plate. I'm just a human... And that's perfectly fine... I'm alive after all. Ah, how fortunate I am~ How fortunate we all are~

When the World splashes water at you, you Drown

People want to believe that they have it all figured out, but those people are just idiots too scared to let their stupidity show. Me, I'm not one of them, I know I'm an idiot and I'm sure a lot of other people know too. I have absolutely nothing of importance figured out, from what I think is important anyway. At first I thought myself a liar, but I'm not. I'm conflicted. I'm simply struggling with myself and my feelings that I don't think I deserve to express.
I do not have a reason as to why I feel this way, I can only tell how I feel and I already know that no one will like it; and I wont be able to tell everything but I'll try to let enough out. There isn't really a beginning so this will be all jumbled and scrambled. Let's start off with what I don't deserve:
I do not deserve to be happy. I do not deserve to be loved or feel love. I do not deserve life. I do not deserve guidance. I do not deserve to desire. I do not deserve to cry. I do not deserve to care. I do not deserve to be cared for. I do not deserve to know. As I said before, I do not know the reasons for why I feel this way, but this is not only a feeling, these are my beliefs and a person cannot throw away their beliefs...
I know, I KNOW (don't ask me how I know) that I will be alone for the rest of my life; that is why I have decided not to pursue love but rather I have decided to try to change my destiny of having absolutely nothing, only to see if it can be done. Since I don't deserve to want anything, I'll force myself to want something and I'll try to work it into my brain that I have to keep working for it. "I want to be a photojournalist." Mainly because it seems like a simple enough job and it is something that I am okay at. I know that I cannot just do nothing for the rest of my life just because I don't deserve it. I suppose I am trying to change my beliefs, at least a little bit, I will pursue happiness but in a different matter. Rather than happiness with another, I will pursue happiness with myself through a career. Or maybe it's not happiness, but instead to be content. So I will force myself to beat myself, that is the only way. And that is me "changing the world". My world.
I wish I wasn't this way, but at the same time I like the way I am. That could possibly be because I'm just scared. If I'm not this way then I wont be me anymore(and that's definitely true). But the me now is a person that I highly hate. I'm disgusting, I'm a disappointment, I'm ugly, I'm purposeless, I'm stupid, I'm unworthy, and I'm undeserving... I'm not human. I don't believe I am. I believe I have even less worth than an insect, and even then insects have a TON of worth.
I am conflicted with myself all the time. I tend to go against my beliefs, because just for a moment I want to be like everyone else. I want to feel what they feel. I...want to be...happy... But I know that is just a dream that I don't deserve to dream up. So I end up crushing myself. But when I do go against my beliefs, I end up in delusions because I want it to work fast. The only things that work fast are drugs, and not even all the time. It's not fair. I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate what I think, I hate what I believe, I hate that I can't change, I hate that I'm a scaredy-cat, I hate that everyone else has the potential to be happy and to be loved and to love, I hate that I hold people down, I hate that I can't help anyone, I hate wanting people to hate me, I hate wanting people to like me, I hate...hating things...
I don't plan on living long, I don't expect to live very long, I expect God to kill me off a couple years on...And I expect to go to hell and suffer even more...
[Not] The End

Thoughts from Sleeplessness

So, I can't sleep right now. Not meaning there's something keeping me from sleeping, I'm not being threatened or anything like "If you sleep, I'm gonna kill you, bitch." I'm just not sleepy, is all.
Have you notice that humans are kinda stupid? Well, not kinda. They are stupid. Humans are very stupid. When they're young, all they do is complain and wish to grow up just so they can complain about not being able to be young again. I used to have a few friends in Elementary School, but when they got to Middle School they thought they had to change and "grow up". I had a little bit more friends in Middle School, but when they reached High School they thought they had to change and "grow up". They all did it to fit in, to follow an adolescent trend of age, I guess. I had a few friends in High School, but the same trend followed to College.
Now, I have about 2 friends and a few of associates. I like those associates that I have, and I love*cough cough* I really like my friends too. Those associates are otaku mostly. I like otaku, they know exactly who they are and they know what they want to be like or at least they aren't entirely afraid of being what they want to be. Otaku are honest folk, most of them anyway, the ones I know.
People complain about people being phoney and crap, but the people who do actually complain out loud are the biggest "phonies" and it's a bit...annoying(and I know I'm kinda complaining out loud right now...). People think that because they moved up a grade that they have moved up in social status or they have moved up in...I don't know, braininess or something. Just because you get older doesn't mean you become or have to become a completely different person. My name is Justin Carney and I will always be Justin Carney; I will never, NEVER become Justin Connigee or whatever more sophisticated or rich-person last name you can think of that starts with a C.
I wish I had the friends I used to have, I wish I still knew who they were. They were nice and cool people, but people change drastically so now I know 2 people. They are very nice and cool people, I can only hope that they don't change or just get tired of me. I can only hope...and I'm not much of a hoper.

Disposable Trash*

If I could speak words, I wouldn't have a blog that I hardly use. I don't even know what to type because I do not know what to speak because I can't speak. My brain has no thought process as to what is happening inside of my mind. I'm simply at a loss because I am stupid.
I believe my existence is pointless, I cannot tell you why because I cannot even tell myself. I am a negative person, my life experiences have made me this way, society has conditioned me to be this way. I try my best not to dwell on how worthless I am but everything that happens to me keeps leading back to that same conclusion. I cannot tell you why I think that I am worthless because I cannot even tell myself. I know only a little about myself, I try not to figure myself out because that only makes me feel worse. I don't like me, at all. Is a person supposed to have a tolerance for himself? That doesn't sound right to me but that's how I feel.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say or get out onto this blog that I hardly use, I'm just typing aimlessly. I don't understand myself. I have horrible memory for a reason because I don't want to remember. It's become habit to forget things on purpose, now when I forget things it is a mistake. I try my best to keep my mind blank so I'm not affected by anything. The only difference between me and a manikin is that I am living, and I'm hardly even doing that. I'm pathetic. I try not to have a mind, but things come out and I regret most things that I end up doing.
I have many fears and living is one of them. Not existing, but actually living. Change has been thrown out of my vocabulary. Love is in the trash, I do not understand and I cannot comprehend that emotion. Happiness is just a dream that I don't even really dream about.
What exactly am I doing if I am even doing anything at all? Everything I say or do is simply disposable trash. I myself am trash; I am the type of trash that does not become another man's treasure.
Everything in my head is conflicting, I do not believe myself. I hate myself. I do not even trust myself. And what is a person if he does not trust himself? He is not a person at all, he is a doll that follows behind others because there is nothing more that he can do. There is nothing more that he wants to do.
The "real" world is a terrifying place and it frightens me to the point of paranoia. I try to stay in my own little world but even that place scares me, another frightening place of confusion and delusions.
I see so many problems within myself and I will not do anything about it because then I feel I will not be me anymore, but I am nobody now so what could be worse than that? I am trash and I will not change because.... Well, what's the point...?
This could go on forever but it would end up getting repetitive which I'm sure it already is by now. So this is me, wiping my mouth after throwing up a flow of words about nothing onto the internet. Over and out, roger roger.

Now I'm nothing...

I feel as though I have to change because the hair on my head has changed. I can't make the dumb faces I used to make because I'll look more dumb than I did before. My hair made me, and now i'm nothing. I'm nothing but an ordinary kid with a fucking stupid lopsided head. I wish I had been more careful as a kid and protected my head more, but there is no changing the past now. I'm just an ordinary kid with a fucking lopsided head. I look fucking stupid, I am fucking stupid. I'm fucking ugly, I've always been ugly.
It's all that simple, but you probably wouldn't understand. I hate everyone, I hate...me.
Now I'm nothing...

Girls in the class of 2010 that I adored or just couldn't keep from looking at. XDD

This is just a bit creepy, but who cares.

Neelam Abbasi

Michele Ako

Jasmine Bolden

Kellee Brown

Amanda Chidumlong

Dominique Coleman

Latasha Dunston

Briana Haden

Bianca Holland

Danielle Howe

Shante Jenkins

Xzasia Leftwich

Samantha Lewis

Latiyfa McAlpin

Shadae Neptune

Shawdae Paul

Tejada Pratt

Amber Sweet

Shaina Taylor

Kenisha Thomas

Brianna Walker

Shamia Wells

Brae Wilkes

Wait, ugh. Aren't most of these people popular kids? That just makes me more of a loser, doesn't it? Oh well. there's more, but i couldn't find a lot of ppl in the yearbook so eh.

Retarded

So my sanity and stability was questioned today but I'll get to that later. Today was a Toxic Candy party. Sounds dangerous, doesn't it? The party was supposed to start at like 3pm so we tried showing up late but it seemed like we made it there pretty early, 5pm. The party was just starting 2 hours after the start period. Nice, stupid, but it's ok. We sat around, waiting for other people to show up, talking with ourselves. <-Doesn't that sentence seem like we're crazy? We were talking with each other. Lol. Random people showed up, I hugged a couple people. And I think I have a sister now.
After everyone showed up, the games began. People were playing football, sword fighting with Styrofoam things (I told Jellybean how I read a futanari hentai doujin about these girls having serious sword fights with their penis'. lol). The sword fights the kids were having were pretty serious too though, they were doing acrobatics all over the place. People were flying through the sky and everything.
Night began to fall and the "real" games got started, like egg catching and pie eating and all that junk. It was funny. Tanique, John, JB, Mike, and me were just sitting around though talking amongst ourselves and laughing. Shayla was nowhere to be found though, so I went to look for her. She was talking with Kage and some other chic who was some guy's girlfriend. I said hi to all of them, and the chic said hi to me and asked if she knew me. I told her she could get to know me and then everyone was like "Ohhhhhh, no, Justin. Wrong person to flirt with." I was just horribly confused, I hadn't been flirting. Let me tell you, I don't even know how to flirt. I wasn't flirting, I didn't say that though, I just asked why. Then her boyfriend came over and was supposedly gonna beat me up. He told me to walk away or hop a fence or some stupid shit, and I just said ok cuz I didn't fucking feel like dealing with a stupid person. But Shayla wouldn't let me go so I couldn't walk away. The idiot asked me if I was scared, I said no. Why the fuck would I be scared of some guy? All he can do is punch me, and it's no big deal anyway. Kage punched me in my chest, I don't remember why. I guess he was just drunk, he wanted me to hit him back but my arms didn't feel like stressing themselves so I didn't. I just walked away, for some reason he thought I hated him. I get back to everyone else and we get back to talking and laughing. Out of nowhere people are screaming, and Britana(Hostest) is on the ground having a seizure. Tanique and Shayla made jokes about it WHILE she was having it, I just watched as her grandmother helped her. The ambulance came and took her away, I just watched on. "Party's Over!" Everyone left.
I got to Shayla's car and there was Idiot again and Kage. Kage told he loved me, he was definitely drunk cuz I know he doesn't. Idiot asked me if I was retarded, I had a slight urge to kill him. It was nice imagining it, but I withheld. I just glared and spat a bunch of pointless questions at him, I just wanted to leave. Fucking Idiot. He has absolutely no right to question the way my brain works, he called me slow, he said my functioning wasn't right. I will destroy you, Idiot, I will fucking destroy you.
I got in the car and we left.
Fucking Idiot...