Disposable Trash*

If I could speak words, I wouldn't have a blog that I hardly use. I don't even know what to type because I do not know what to speak because I can't speak. My brain has no thought process as to what is happening inside of my mind. I'm simply at a loss because I am stupid.
I believe my existence is pointless, I cannot tell you why because I cannot even tell myself. I am a negative person, my life experiences have made me this way, society has conditioned me to be this way. I try my best not to dwell on how worthless I am but everything that happens to me keeps leading back to that same conclusion. I cannot tell you why I think that I am worthless because I cannot even tell myself. I know only a little about myself, I try not to figure myself out because that only makes me feel worse. I don't like me, at all. Is a person supposed to have a tolerance for himself? That doesn't sound right to me but that's how I feel.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say or get out onto this blog that I hardly use, I'm just typing aimlessly. I don't understand myself. I have horrible memory for a reason because I don't want to remember. It's become habit to forget things on purpose, now when I forget things it is a mistake. I try my best to keep my mind blank so I'm not affected by anything. The only difference between me and a manikin is that I am living, and I'm hardly even doing that. I'm pathetic. I try not to have a mind, but things come out and I regret most things that I end up doing.
I have many fears and living is one of them. Not existing, but actually living. Change has been thrown out of my vocabulary. Love is in the trash, I do not understand and I cannot comprehend that emotion. Happiness is just a dream that I don't even really dream about.
What exactly am I doing if I am even doing anything at all? Everything I say or do is simply disposable trash. I myself am trash; I am the type of trash that does not become another man's treasure.
Everything in my head is conflicting, I do not believe myself. I hate myself. I do not even trust myself. And what is a person if he does not trust himself? He is not a person at all, he is a doll that follows behind others because there is nothing more that he can do. There is nothing more that he wants to do.
The "real" world is a terrifying place and it frightens me to the point of paranoia. I try to stay in my own little world but even that place scares me, another frightening place of confusion and delusions.
I see so many problems within myself and I will not do anything about it because then I feel I will not be me anymore, but I am nobody now so what could be worse than that? I am trash and I will not change because.... Well, what's the point...?
This could go on forever but it would end up getting repetitive which I'm sure it already is by now. So this is me, wiping my mouth after throwing up a flow of words about nothing onto the internet. Over and out, roger roger.